My Forever Muses

I really want to start out this article with a lot of gratitude to God for being my friend, lover and oh my precious present help. I am humbled by who He is and all He does. I don’t know what I would do without Him . I can be a hot mess sometimes, emotionally speaking especially but I have found Him to be a great escape whenever I am anxious, faithless, moody, out of my mind among many things I sometimes am.

I am so glad that no matter what happens I can always be me with Him. I am eternally grateful for the parents He has gifted me with. As I look forward to being a mom one day, I can’t help but appreciate who my parents have been. My mother, so hardworking, such a home-maker, so patient with us and kind to all of us. I have never met any human as forgiving as mom.

My handsome dad who refuses to be called old is the most chivalrous guy you will ever meet. In my 24 years, he still finds it in him to dust my feet just because. I know even now if he sees my eyes full of gound or what some of us would call matongo, he will not hesitate to take out his perfectly folded handkerchief and remove those dudus in my eyes. He has a heart so big that he is not just a father to my brother and I but to others too. He is the kind of dad that goes the extra-mile for almost everyone.

I have fond memories of him as a child. There was this one time while he was walking towards the bathroom , he saw me and called me msupa!! (I am not sure if that was the word or mrembo) , thing is I still remember it to date. I also remember when he surprised me with a bike because I was position two in our class. He watched me ride the bike and race with my childhood friends. I actually hit someone with it hihi.

I have had the privilege of being their daughter. I have been loved so well that I pray I will be who they have been to me and even more to my children.I am just so grateful. There was this one time while in campo (do people still call it that?) , he wasn’t present to see me off, so I texted him telling him that I was leaving for school. He texted me back expressing how he wished he had been there even to just see me off and he wished me nothing but the best. I received the text while in a matatu. I cried for some minutes before replying. The guy next to me didn’t know whether he should ask if I am okay or leave me alone lol!!

I thank God for flowing through these two people as He has. It’s funny how as I was typing this, my dad decided to send me a picture of himself saying he is in Qatar but I know he is not. Haha I thank God so much for the most amazing human beings on this planet. I have taken the longest time typing this because I couldn’t stop crying. The hillsong piano instrumental playing in my ear isn’t helping either.

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STORY TIME: The Father is Good

One day I woke up and the first thing I saw was an image of Him in the kitchen..He went towards the cooker which had a sufuria on. I saw myself going behind Him and like the little child I am asked him, “What are you preparing today?” He didn’t talk so I instinctively peeped into the sufuria and saw Him stirring Goodness and Mercy. I knew what He meant.He was making me a promise, He was making clear His intent for me.

As promised, Story Time!! Soooooooo naturally, I am predisposed to overthink things, I don’t know when I was wired like that, maybe I learned it from someone, maybe it’s a genetic thing or it’s my defense mechanism so that nothing catches me by surprise.It is the worst place to be in since it’s all based on assumptions and playing scenarios that haven’t happened or could never happen in real life.

It affects my mood and ultimately how I relate with people. That being said, I will also come out and say that it has affected my relationship with Papa (Papa is Abba, Daddy, Our Father in heaven or Pa). Whenever He delayed speaking to me or in doing something I had asked, I over thought and concluded that He doesn’t care about me because if He did, He would do as I asked. This went on for so long a time until I believed my truth.

With all the hullabaloo I have just typed in the above two paragraphs, I rebelled against Pa.I went back to the me I was before I had encountered Pa. I remember asking Him to search my heart before I went on full-rebel.You know what’s even crazier?? All the while in my wandering, I could still feel His love, His peace, His forgiveness.

When I was finally done playing prodigal, I knew I had to go back to my Father. I knew He had already forgiven me I just didn’t know how to forgive me. Whenever the reality of who you have become meets the image of who you see yourself as and there is a dissonance, (in a bad way) it becomes a little hard to forgive and reconcile the two. I became the person I never thought I would be. I didn’t know how to get back to the sweetness me and Pa once had but somehow He made a way. He reminded me through a song that I am still accepted by Him, loved and forgiven totally. I remembered that He is LOVE and my walls were shaken and I got the courage to put away my old self ; seeking attention from wells that will never satisfy.

I can now attest that God is good. He is Faithful and He really is love, The Good Shepherd, Good Father. May we focus on the Truth He is than our feelings. That has been my greatest revelation in my rebellious season, that His Word is true, all we are required to do is believe. Even in anxiety, His Truth is ultimate.

What we teach ourselves to believe, becomes reality, Choose Life!! The image He showed me once about Goodness and Mercy still rings true to date, even in the story above.

The Truth About Our Feelings

Whenever you correct me I can at times reject what you are saying (in my head though) because I have a tendency to avoid conflict unless necessary. Later on I will think about what you said and if your correction makes sense, then I will accept it. I am a very passionate gurl. I don’t know in-between. It is good for me and sometimes really bad for me depending on what I am going hard for.

I absolutely feel like running away whenever I am being introduced to anyone. It is the weirdest thing ever. I guess it may be that the person introducing me might paint a picture of me to this new person and they will perhaps have huge expectations of me..I don’t know man!I don’t know why it’s awkward for me, fact is it is AWKWARD!

My whozup read receipts are off because I get anxious whenever I see the people who have viewed my obviously always entertaining content and I start wondering, so now what do they think of me ? (they are probably not even thinking about me anyway). Seeing the number of views and the viewers makes me wonder why the rest haven’t seen my statuses. I will then start overthinking and we all know that never ends well. I also can’t imagine being blue-ticked especially if I have texted you something I thought was humorous.So welcome to my awesome mind that goes berserk at times. You can call me Mrs. Grey.

selective focus side view photo of woman sitting by table holding plastic cup looking into the distance
Photo by Matheus Cenali on Pexels.com

 I love being still and blank at the same time.That is my  happy time.There is just something magical about it.You know it’s kinda like when I see Morris Chestnut, he is so magical and let’s not forget his beautiful eyes, small shiny eyes and he’s so baf . His smile is like the sunrise .If he were a lotion he would be imperial leather (softly softly), heaven on earth!! (insert hysterical gurl’s voice) and it comes with a Japanese spa shower gel which is just another heaven. I just love them both (Morris and the shower gel) .

I can be classified as a feeler than a thinker because I really avoid conflict as all feelers do. I like harmony a little too much and I am a warm person, most of the time anyway.I have also seen how terrible it is to flow with emotions especially in my relationship with God. I have followed things He’d cautioned me against just because it felt good to follow them. I let my emotions rule me and let God take a back seat in my mess. In His Graciousness, He let me know that through my mistakes He’ll still hang around and that His eyes would still gaze at me with love.

After eating with the pigs for a while, choosing other things over Him, He made His plan manifest. He used a  my friend sent me to reach out to me through this song and I remembered Him. I remembered the lover who sings over me every day. I remembered Abba Father, His love and He won me back, this time with a deeper revelation of things. I learned that my emotions are good but they are not the ultimate Truth. His Word is, and will always be. He means what He says and He says what He means. I didn’t know how to return to Him, to forgive myself but He made a way.

I am practicing what I learned, I am re-learning that I can choose. I can choose to believe His truth instead of what my some times anxious mind throws at me. My emotions matter, your emotions matter but they do not have the final say. Choose Life, Choose The Truth. I am so glad that God checks our hearts. I am glad I know some of my weaknesses.I am even more glad that I have a friend in the beautiful Holy Spirit to guide me through my walk with Jesus.

The title of this blog entry sounds like those click bait ones lol, not my intention but it works!Thank you for pitiaing here!

Your story matters to me

One of my favorite Bollywood actors once said that we all have stories and when we meet, our stories meet. So here are a few beautiful stories that have met with mine.

I happen to talk to people in matatus a lot πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ . I’ve met people who’ve given me canned githeri for some reason I can’t remember. I’ve slept on people’s shoulders in matatus, read people’s texts, flipped newspapers with them, offered them biscuits, exchanged numbers (I faked my number once, I could feel that guy’s lust from my seat πŸ˜‚) I once met a guy who told me he was half Zulu and half Merian πŸ˜‚ .I still don’t know how true that was.. Sema karma.. He also gave me a wrong number πŸ˜‚.I called and some old guy picked.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ karma is a bad bad gurl πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I’ve also met people I judged before I ever got to know them. A guy once came up to me and asked for like 5 minutes of my time. In my head I knew how the conversation would transpire .This guy would probably introduce himself then ask for my number and where I live and bla bla bla.. Turns out he didn’t do either of those things. Mguyz just wanted to tell me about Jesus. I refused his invitation to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior.. Total plot twist…I didn’t see that one coming. A few months later I got born again. Guess he planted a seed in me just like that.

I have also met Angela. I asked her for directions and then the directions didn’t find their way to my brain. (I just rhymed ) So she offered to take me to where I was going and she paid for everything!!! Everything people!!! Guys.. get an Angela and you’ll live happily ever after. (jus kidding, go work your butt off ) ..

I will never forget this guy pale Bus station.. I had gone for a pedicure (I hope hii ni ile ya miguu πŸ˜‚ ) but he decided to give me a foot rub too.. It’s been a year now and I still remember it πŸ˜‚ I couldn’t even look at the guy in the face.. I was blushing myself off πŸ˜‚.

I have met people I will never be able to scrub off my heart even if I tried, our stories met and we fell in love (I’m still single though πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

Some stories will come to a halt at some point and that’s okay because they are only meant to be part of a bigger picture. (no idea what that is.. It just came up as I was writing, πŸ˜‚ sounds like something deep πŸ˜‚ )

In all this beauty, my story met the love of my life and everything changed. I wouldn’t trade the day I said Yes to being loved. Yes to forgiveness. Yes to a clean slate. Yes to joy, peace and a relationship with Papa in heaven. Yes to being courted by the most amazing love there ever will exist .My story meeting Him or His has given me so much contentment, fulfillment. So much I’d never find in anyone or anything..I’m a child again!! The Good News is that it is for you too 😊

As always, this is just a tip of the ice berg.. Someone read part of this blog post and thought it was a book.. I was so flattered. I see my life through a very beautiful sense of humor and I might just gather all my stories in a book..I am a story teller, I love listening to people’s stories and seeing the beauty of your story and my story combined.

I am Forever Undone

Arghhhhhhhh!!! Is the word for some days!! Some mornings feel like that! I have tried leaving so many times. I have threatened to leave so many times. This year has been that year. I’ve been at the edge of my seat countable times hihi..

I love collecting cheezy things like this..πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Some days I feel like going all rogue and never coming back πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ . I have tried manipulating Him.. As if I can lool!! I have tried to go back to old me but she’s dead and gone.

I have tried to call Him bad πŸ˜‚ but a few minutes later, I remember that He’s good whether I see it or not. He has proved to be true all through, in belief and in my unbelief. My heart has known that He’s good no matter what!

It’s so beautifully weird to see Him in darkness.. It’s like you see Him even clearer in darkness 😊. I don’t know how that works but it does. I’ve found that when He says I am a new creation I really am. My nature has been turned to who He created me to be, who He intended me to be right from the beginning.

I have tried avoiding Him but I can’t πŸ˜‚. I’m so glad I can’t. I have been joined with Him. He’s in me and I’m in Him . His voice feels like mine only with so much love, peace and wisdom.

Also.. My bad sleeping habits keep me on Pinterest looking up Jesus art 😊😊..helps my sanctified imagination..

I have a nickname for Him. I call Him Big heart. I love His songs, I love the way He makes me laugh. I love watching movies with Him. I love seeing Him in love songs. I love love how I lose things in the house and He directs me to exactly where the lost item is. I love how He interrupts me through out my day and how He directs my eyes to Himself. He’s so beautiful!!

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to behold anything else so beautiful! All other things are but a shadow of Him, the clouds that fascinate me, the deep blue color of the ocean, my eyelids and my awesome personality.

I love His correction. I’ve never been so happy to be corrected in my life. Everything He says is stringed with lots of love.. A love undeniable.

I was found by a love I’ll never recover from. I am totally lovesick and I need The Life support *wink wink * #foreverundone

For the boys we’ve dated in our heads..

This is a letter to you my beloved or should I say former beloved..

They look so good together 😒

You may read this and you’ll never know we dated πŸ˜‚..l have cooked a thousand meals for you (and if you’ve been here long enough you know I hate cooking) We have inside jokes you’ll probably never know about. Conversations we’ll never have (maybe), Babies we’ll never have πŸ˜‚.You have met my parents and my friends. We have moved in together at some point πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ (so glad it’s all in my head otherwise I’d be preggers)

We have had a grandiose wedding (this is for my celebrity boyfriend )and we’ve had a simple wedding and all were lovely. I have broken up with you so many times, made up with you and moved on from you.

Still I will never say a thing. I’ll watch you as you walk, talk, from a distance. I will build castles in the air because😊 if it ever came out you’d leave πŸ˜‚ so here I am with my fantasies and dates with you, at least here in my mind I control what goes on. You can’t break up with me and you adore me like crazy..So for the boys we’ve dated in our heads, welcome to our very active minds filled with movies about you 😊. Maybe one day I’ll write about you in a book and even when you read it you’ll never know it’s you, after all it’s all in my head.

Your heart is your gift

I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure. This is an excerpt from a movie, Chariots of fire inspired by the 1924 Olympics. The movie was pretty much based on two athletes really talented yet their motivations were so different.

The athletes played in the movie are Eric Lidell and Harold Abrahams. Eric was a staunch Christian and a missionary too. Many at the time believed that He should have given it all up for preaching but this guy had a different conviction. He believed God had called Him to race and all that for His Glory.

This Eric guy was such a looker!!!

This got me thinking, what does it mean to run and run for God’s Glory? What does doing anything for God’s Glory even mean?

I’ve found doing things with God in mind much more fun when you have a relationship with Him. There in that relationship you can be able to discern His heart towards you and toward why He is for some things and against some.

I’ve found that when we do things for God from intimacy with Him, you just know that you know that you know that He’s pleased with you before you ever attempt anything for Him. Doing anything from the knowledge that Papa in heaven delights in you even before you open my eyes, you can be able to do a whole lot more than you would from obligation I believe.

So I believe Eric in His intimacy with God knew Papa was pleased with Him even before He ever knew He was made to be fast and so when He did something Papa gifted Him to do, He did it from a love relationship and for the wins he got for Scotland, awed all who watched, maybe just maybe it pointed them to Abba. That my friends is what I believe doing anything for God can bring Him Glory.

So don’t hide your light! Let it shine brightly before others, so that the commendable things you do will shine as light upon them, and then they will give their praise to your Father in heaven.”
Matthew 5:16 TPT
https://bible.com/bible/1849/mat.5.16.TPT

The verse above is mostly used to allude to doing good things, ‘ Christian things ‘ but I believe running is a good thing, writing is a good thing, a beautiful thing, dancing is beautiful and so is comedy among other wonderful gifts God has given us. Knowing God the way I do in my relationship with Him, I know He was running alongside Eric every time and all because He delights in all of us so much!! (Watch the movie, The Shack.. there’s a part the guy acting as Jesus runs on water with Mackenzie, one of the lead roles) You’ll love it.. I felt some adrenaline rush just watching it.

All this takes me back to a podcast I’d listened to called Heart Over Gift by Jonathan Hesler (which has inspired the title of this article) . Jonathan is the guy who’s sang No longer slaves to fear with his wife Melissa. In heart over gift, Jonathan raised something I doubt I’ll ever forget. He talked about the difference between an orphan and his gift and a son and his gift. An orphan here refers to one who has been given a gift but does not have a relationship with Abba. He does not know the one who gave Him his gift and so He just tries to use his gift alone. (Bless the person who put the podcast into writing).

Here are great take aways from the podcast by Jonathan:

  • Orphans use their gifts to try to climb the ladder of success. Sons use their gifts to climb into their Father’s lap and discover Him.
  • An orphan’s gifts will cause a sense of entitlement, that strip them of character. But a son will steward his gifts with gratitude and seek to serve those around him with what he’s been given.
  • An orphan will look for security in his gift and is left empty and broken. But a son discovers security in the Giver and then walks in confidence in the gift.
  • An orphan’s gifts are bound by fear, but a son’s gifts are fueled by love that has broken off the fear of failure.
  • Orphan’s are bound by perfectionism, they have to get it right to β€œearn” God’s approval, because they are defined by what they do, not by what God did. But a son is defined by what His Father has done for Him and he soars in excellence. Perfectionism is driven by fear, excellence is driven by joy and love.
  • An orphan’s gifts cause a cycle of jealousy, competition and rivalry towards other’s success and position. But a son walks in humility and unity with his gifts, and he values others and he’s able to rejoice in their blessings and their successes.
  • An orphan uses his gifts to fight for what he can get. But a son walks out his inheritance with his gift, and watches it flourish beyond what he could ever have done in his own strength.

A story (true one) is told of this lady who had such a beautiful voice. She was told by others she should make good use of it by her friends. So she knocked on like every door of record companies and nothing budged. She was so frustrated at one point, so she asked God, why would you give me this voice if I wouldn’t be able to use it? God in His beautiful gentle voice (God’s super good) just told her, “I just thought you’d enjoy.”

I love God’s answers.. He’s so sweet…

Away from Eric, Jonathan and podcasts to present day Winfrey’s life and yours. I wonder where you fall, an orphan and his gift or a son and his gift?

There’s much that I am learning about working with God, collaborating with Him. Here is a snippet:

If I can, I will. I’m learning to play my part instead of just praying about it. I’m learning to pursue my dreams and keep Him first. I’m learning to play my part in this relationship.

I’m learning that there are a lot of things He’s already given me. He’s given me a brain. He’s given me legs, beautiful legs (digressing, but it’s true πŸ˜‚), hands, education, awesome English, a voice, eyes and most importantly a relationship with Him.. He’s God and He’s my friend, He’s God and we are partners.

I’m learning to just go for it and still acknowledge Him in all I do. I’m learning to depend on Him and still do something about it because there are things He’s already provided. All we have to do is work with Him as we explore the treasures He’s put in us.

I want to write forever because this is something He’s given me to enjoy doing and if I impact even if it’s just one person, that is more than fine . I want to create content for this blog and my YouTube channel forever because He put that awesome desire in me.

I believe the pleasure I get from creating content is His pleasure in me just like the athlete in the movie said, even so, my utmost pleasure is in Him and how I pray that my heart and yours will continually turn to Him, now that I never want to lose!!!

When your heart is fully His, you’ve won.

PS: I also feel His pleasure like every time I’m doing dishes!!!! 😊😊