Your story matters to me

One of my favorite Bollywood actors once said that we all have stories and when we meet, our stories meet. So here are a few beautiful stories that have met with mine.

I happen to talk to people in matatus a lot ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ . I’ve met people who’ve given me canned githeri for some reason I can’t remember. I’ve slept on people’s shoulders in matatus, read people’s texts, flipped newspapers with them, offered them biscuits, exchanged numbers (I faked my number once, I could feel that guy’s lust from my seat ๐Ÿ˜‚) I once met a guy who told me he was half Zulu and half Merian ๐Ÿ˜‚ .I still don’t know how true that was.. Sema karma.. He also gave me a wrong number ๐Ÿ˜‚.I called and some old guy picked.

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ karma is a bad bad gurl ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I’ve also met people I judged before I ever got to know them. A guy once came up to me and asked for like 5 minutes of my time. In my head I knew how the conversation would transpire .This guy would probably introduce himself then ask for my number and where I live and bla bla bla.. Turns out he didn’t do either of those things. Mguyz just wanted to tell me about Jesus. I refused his invitation to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior.. Total plot twist…I didn’t see that one coming. A few months later I got born again. Guess he planted a seed in me just like that.

I have also met Angela. I asked her for directions and then the directions didn’t find their way to my brain. (I just rhymed ) So she offered to take me to where I was going and she paid for everything!!! Everything people!!! Guys.. get an Angela and you’ll live happily ever after. (jus kidding, go work your butt off ) ..

I will never forget this guy pale Bus station.. I had gone for a pedicure (I hope hii ni ile ya miguu ๐Ÿ˜‚ ) but he decided to give me a foot rub too.. It’s been a year now and I still remember it ๐Ÿ˜‚ I couldn’t even look at the guy in the face.. I was blushing myself off ๐Ÿ˜‚.

I have met people I will never be able to scrub off my heart even if I tried, our stories met and we fell in love (I’m still single though ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚)

Some stories will come to a halt at some point and that’s okay because they are only meant to be part of a bigger picture. (no idea what that is.. It just came up as I was writing, ๐Ÿ˜‚ sounds like something deep ๐Ÿ˜‚ )

In all this beauty, my story met the love of my life and everything changed. I wouldn’t trade the day I said Yes to being loved. Yes to forgiveness. Yes to a clean slate. Yes to joy, peace and a relationship with Papa in heaven. Yes to being courted by the most amazing love there ever will exist .My story meeting Him or His has given me so much contentment, fulfillment. So much I’d never find in anyone or anything..I’m a child again!! The Good News is that it is for you too ๐Ÿ˜Š

As always, this is just a tip of the ice berg.. Someone read part of this blog post and thought it was a book.. I was so flattered. I see my life through a very beautiful sense of humor and I might just gather all my stories in a book..I am a story teller, I love listening to people’s stories and seeing the beauty of your story and my story combined.

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I am Forever Undone

Arghhhhhhhh!!! Is the word for some days!! Some mornings feel like that! I have tried leaving so many times. I have threatened to leave so many times. This year has been that year. I’ve been at the edge of my seat countable times hihi..

I love collecting cheezy things like this..๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Some days I feel like going all rogue and never coming back ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ . I have tried manipulating Him.. As if I can lool!! I have tried to go back to old me but she’s dead and gone.

I have tried to call Him bad ๐Ÿ˜‚ but a few minutes later, I remember that He’s good whether I see it or not. He has proved to be true all through, in belief and in my unbelief. My heart has known that He’s good no matter what!

It’s so beautifully weird to see Him in darkness.. It’s like you see Him even clearer in darkness ๐Ÿ˜Š. I don’t know how that works but it does. I’ve found that when He says I am a new creation I really am. My nature has been turned to who He created me to be, who He intended me to be right from the beginning.

I have tried avoiding Him but I can’t ๐Ÿ˜‚. I’m so glad I can’t. I have been joined with Him. He’s in me and I’m in Him . His voice feels like mine only with so much love, peace and wisdom.

Also.. My bad sleeping habits keep me on Pinterest looking up Jesus art ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š..helps my sanctified imagination..

I have a nickname for Him. I call Him Big heart. I love His songs, I love the way He makes me laugh. I love watching movies with Him. I love seeing Him in love songs. I love love how I lose things in the house and He directs me to exactly where the lost item is. I love how He interrupts me through out my day and how He directs my eyes to Himself. He’s so beautiful!!

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to behold anything else so beautiful! All other things are but a shadow of Him, the clouds that fascinate me, the deep blue color of the ocean, my eyelids and my awesome personality.

I love His correction. I’ve never been so happy to be corrected in my life. Everything He says is stringed with lots of love.. A love undeniable.

I was found by a love I’ll never recover from. I am totally lovesick and I need The Life support *wink wink * #foreverundone

For the boys we’ve dated in our heads..

This is a letter to you my beloved or should I say former beloved..

They look so good together ๐Ÿ˜ข

You may read this and you’ll never know we dated ๐Ÿ˜‚..l have cooked a thousand meals for you (and if you’ve been here long enough you know I hate cooking) We have inside jokes you’ll probably never know about. Conversations we’ll never have (maybe), Babies we’ll never have ๐Ÿ˜‚.You have met my parents and my friends. We have moved in together at some point ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ (so glad it’s all in my head otherwise I’d be preggers)

We have had a grandiose wedding (this is for my celebrity boyfriend )and we’ve had a simple wedding and all were lovely. I have broken up with you so many times, made up with you and moved on from you.

Still I will never say a thing. I’ll watch you as you walk, talk, from a distance. I will build castles in the air because๐Ÿ˜Š if it ever came out you’d leave ๐Ÿ˜‚ so here I am with my fantasies and dates with you, at least here in my mind I control what goes on. You can’t break up with me and you adore me like crazy..So for the boys we’ve dated in our heads, welcome to our very active minds filled with movies about you ๐Ÿ˜Š. Maybe one day I’ll write about you in a book and even when you read it you’ll never know it’s you, after all it’s all in my head.

Your heart is your gift

I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure. This is an excerpt from a movie, Chariots of fire inspired by the 1924 Olympics. The movie was pretty much based on two athletes really talented yet their motivations were so different.

The athletes played in the movie are Eric Lidell and Harold Abrahams. Eric was a staunch Christian and a missionary too. Many at the time believed that He should have given it all up for preaching but this guy had a different conviction. He believed God had called Him to race and all that for His Glory.

This Eric guy was such a looker!!!

This got me thinking, what does it mean to run and run for God’s Glory? What does doing anything for God’s Glory even mean?

I’ve found doing things with God in mind much more fun when you have a relationship with Him. There in that relationship you can be able to discern His heart towards you and toward why He is for some things and against some.

I’ve found that when we do things for God from intimacy with Him, you just know that you know that you know that He’s pleased with you before you ever attempt anything for Him. Doing anything from the knowledge that Papa in heaven delights in you even before you open my eyes, you can be able to do a whole lot more than you would from obligation I believe.

So I believe Eric in His intimacy with God knew Papa was pleased with Him even before He ever knew He was made to be fast and so when He did something Papa gifted Him to do, He did it from a love relationship and for the wins he got for Scotland, awed all who watched, maybe just maybe it pointed them to Abba. That my friends is what I believe doing anything for God can bring Him Glory.

So donโ€™t hide your light! Let it shine brightly before others, so that the commendable things you do will shine as light upon them, and then they will give their praise to your Father in heaven.โ€
Matthew 5:16 TPT
https://bible.com/bible/1849/mat.5.16.TPT

The verse above is mostly used to allude to doing good things, ‘ Christian things ‘ but I believe running is a good thing, writing is a good thing, a beautiful thing, dancing is beautiful and so is comedy among other wonderful gifts God has given us. Knowing God the way I do in my relationship with Him, I know He was running alongside Eric every time and all because He delights in all of us so much!! (Watch the movie, The Shack.. there’s a part the guy acting as Jesus runs on water with Mackenzie, one of the lead roles) You’ll love it.. I felt some adrenaline rush just watching it.

All this takes me back to a podcast I’d listened to called Heart Over Gift by Jonathan Hesler (which has inspired the title of this article) . Jonathan is the guy who’s sang No longer slaves to fear with his wife Melissa. In heart over gift, Jonathan raised something I doubt I’ll ever forget. He talked about the difference between an orphan and his gift and a son and his gift. An orphan here refers to one who has been given a gift but does not have a relationship with Abba. He does not know the one who gave Him his gift and so He just tries to use his gift alone. (Bless the person who put the podcast into writing).

Here are great take aways from the podcast by Jonathan:

  • Orphans use their gifts to try to climb the ladder of success. Sons use their gifts to climb into their Father’s lap and discover Him.
  • An orphanโ€™s gifts will cause a sense of entitlement, that strip them of character. But a son will steward his gifts with gratitude and seek to serve those around him with what heโ€™s been given.
  • An orphan will look for security in his gift and is left empty and broken. But a son discovers security in the Giver and then walks in confidence in the gift.
  • An orphanโ€™s gifts are bound by fear, but a sonโ€™s gifts are fueled by love that has broken off the fear of failure.
  • Orphanโ€™s are bound by perfectionism, they have to get it right to โ€œearnโ€ Godโ€™s approval, because they are defined by what they do, not by what God did. But a son is defined by what His Father has done for Him and he soars in excellence. Perfectionism is driven by fear, excellence is driven by joy and love.
  • An orphanโ€™s gifts cause a cycle of jealousy, competition and rivalry towards otherโ€™s success and position. But a son walks in humility and unity with his gifts, and he values others and heโ€™s able to rejoice in their blessings and their successes.
  • An orphan uses his gifts to fight for what he can get. But a son walks out his inheritance with his gift, and watches it flourish beyond what he could ever have done in his own strength.

A story (true one) is told of this lady who had such a beautiful voice. She was told by others she should make good use of it by her friends. So she knocked on like every door of record companies and nothing budged. She was so frustrated at one point, so she asked God, why would you give me this voice if I wouldn’t be able to use it? God in His beautiful gentle voice (God’s super good) just told her, “I just thought you’d enjoy.”

I love God’s answers.. He’s so sweet…

Away from Eric, Jonathan and podcasts to present day Winfrey’s life and yours. I wonder where you fall, an orphan and his gift or a son and his gift?

There’s much that I am learning about working with God, collaborating with Him. Here is a snippet:

If I can, I will. I’m learning to play my part instead of just praying about it. I’m learning to pursue my dreams and keep Him first. I’m learning to play my part in this relationship.

I’m learning that there are a lot of things He’s already given me. He’s given me a brain. He’s given me legs, beautiful legs (digressing, but it’s true ๐Ÿ˜‚), hands, education, awesome English, a voice, eyes and most importantly a relationship with Him.. He’s God and He’s my friend, He’s God and we are partners.

I’m learning to just go for it and still acknowledge Him in all I do. I’m learning to depend on Him and still do something about it because there are things He’s already provided. All we have to do is work with Him as we explore the treasures He’s put in us.

I want to write forever because this is something He’s given me to enjoy doing and if I impact even if it’s just one person, that is more than fine . I want to create content for this blog and my YouTube channel forever because He put that awesome desire in me.

I believe the pleasure I get from creating content is His pleasure in me just like the athlete in the movie said, even so, my utmost pleasure is in Him and how I pray that my heart and yours will continually turn to Him, now that I never want to lose!!!

When your heart is fully His, you’ve won.

PS: I also feel His pleasure like every time I’m doing dishes!!!! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

The Father’s Touch

Guest Post

By Jos Nduati

I thought I’d be the one to introduce her but she’s introduced herself and our friendship so beautifully. You are in for a story of beauty for ashes , hope in despair and the Father’s hand in it all. Sooooooo here we go…

I was inspired by my lovely friend, sister,heaven mate,heaven Buddy (because of how we usually know and sense what one has to say);call it heaven telepathy, we always say we are seated together in heavenly places and it’s true,โ˜บJesus can attest to that, but in heaven we’ll sit next to Joseph Prince and Steve Furtick(no copying!๐Ÿคฃ) it is done๐Ÿคฃ

I know I should speak about me but lemme speak just a little bit about my friend. She is a huge blessing. I learn a lot from her. I totally believe we rub off each other, I can type a whole scroll about her,but I think it’s a dot compared to who she really is,she is a true gem. Her worth is far more than rubies.

One thing I love about her is the fact that she calls me *baby girl* somehow it makes me feel tangible physical hope, and she always says that when I tell her something bad I’m going through, or a problem, a weakness. I love how at any time I can text her to pray for me,and every time she types her prayers, I always feel the love of the father through her to me. Through her I have learnt to be open and vulnerable, and not to be ASHAMED

This post is about vulnerability and boy is it hard. It’s hard to show people who you really are, because we are afraid people will not really love us for who we are, so we learn to put on masks that become engraved on our faces and it’s painful to put them off because they have blended onto our skin,talk about waxing hair,how the tape peels off with your hair and the ouuuuuuuuuch! (BTW I’ve thought of Brazilian waxes being the most painful .This isn’t related to anything๐Ÿคฃbut oh well I gotta share y’all)

I’ve learnt and have been taught to be fake all my life. Sounds bad but it’s true. I am recently embracing my flaws without shame and comparison to those around me. We always compare most to those nearest to us. We always bleed to those closest to us and push them away.

I have been abused sexually at age 8 or 9, I kept quiet about it, I have deep emotional wounds from living in an abusive family till I was 18. I know what it is to live with a drunk father daily, I have watched him beat my mum and slowly I would hide all my pain, psychologists call it repressing. I’d wake up the next morning to face life, school, etc.

I was confident, but over the years I have learnt that the real me isn’t good enough. I have been told I’m ugly because of my adolescent pimples,I have tried to get my confidence in my intelligence in primary schools because the boys didn’t find me pretty enough and were intimidated by my intellect.

I have had no first loves or letters from boys when young because I wasn’t as pretty. So I learnt to fit in instead of embracing that as my uniqueness.

I talk with enthusiasm but I’m not really an extrovert. I get tired of people in a second. I put up walls once I’m hurt. I don’t forgive from my heart, I don’t easily let go, naah that’s not me.

I get attached to easily, I don’t know how to love healthily, so I get hurt easily once I feel the love I’m giving isn’t being reciprocated. I struggle with envy and jealousy and comparison.

I have done dumb things for guys to love me, I have lowered my standards for them then ended up crying myself to sleep because these guys didn’t give me the love I thought I needed.

I have been deeply hurt and heartbroken by those close to me thus leaving me paranoid about close friendship and relationships, I can’t trust easily again. I attach my expectations to people near me and when they don’t fulfill them I get angry.

I have felt insecure and threatened by other people’s success, often questioning my own. I struggle with self awareness, I have had suicidal thoughts and depression 3 times.

I have been an atheist, I have questioned God countless times, His purpose for me, I have given up more than I can be hopeful. I have struggled with pornography and masturbation, I have held bitterness and resentment and it doesn’t make sense when told to *just let go*

I can write a book buh , point is Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is wicked and deceitful, so the nature of our flesh follows that direction but guess what *I AM A NEW CREATION*

It’s crazy how I’m writing this with a lot of Joyโ˜บ, from the depths of my heart and not self pity. I now understand what it means to boast in my weaknesses because as I’m writing this I feel literally like at the bottom of my heart, there’s an anchor and a foundation and that’s Jesusโ˜บ. I literally feel something physical like a stone, a base a foundation at the depths of my heart and the peace I feel is not even comparable!

Beloved I don’t know how to end this post, wish I could sing through the post lol because all I can hear is a Kirk Franklin song๐Ÿคฃ*My Life, My Love, My all* that one I believe one zillion percent times 500 trillion, Jesus is the only answer. I ain’t gon lie to you that’s the truth. Truth is one man, Jesus.

You may be at a point where you feel the opposite, you are tired of yourself. It’s relatable. There’s hope, the dirty messy process, the tears, frustrations, sadness et al are creating a beautiful piece and at the end, Jesus will hug you and say *You did it*

If you haven’t given your life to him,just say *Lord Jesus, I come to you, I give you my heart and my life,I confess my sins to you,take my name, write it in the Lamb’s book of life and be my Lord and saviour, in Jesus name,Amen* Yeey now live it and confess it!

Love Jos Nduati

Found by Love

This post is dedicated to the love of my life, the one who interjects with a light so bright and a love so fearless..

When I was afraid because of a past hurt and I didn’t know how to trust Him. He said “Whatever the case I will sort you.” (To mean whatever happens I will take care of you)

When I was going through consequences of my stupidity, I told Him I won’t go through it alone. And He said, ” You haven’t been doing it alone. ”

His classic self decided to sing this song “Fountains Came to my rescue ” The first verse got me.. It says.. “And I will never forget the moment I met you... ” That got me.. It took me to this beautiful place of gratefulness for the relationship I have with sweet Jesus, the one who knows me so deeply yet He chooses to never leave me.

I remember the time I asked for Big heart’s fixing for my heart and He did!! To date He still does โค .He guards my heart because He treasures me like crazy!

Once I was just wishing this guy would just turn his eyes toward me and He started singing this song called I love you forever.. The one done by Benita Jones. He’s so sweet.

For the times He’s affirmed me meeeeeen!!!! Sang to me that I’m beautiful and how I’m such a delight. My God!! I can’t even begin to describe how much His affirmation means to me.

You are my romance, sweet Jesus โค

I’m so grateful for the times He’s protected me from myself โค haha ๐Ÿ˜‚ We are so weird that we need saving even from ourselves.

I love when I’m just silent and He turns up the music in my heart โคโคโคโค That means a lot to me.

This one time, we’d gone for prayers and I was probably just standing and I saw like this picture of Him seated in the front row seat, He turned and didn’t say a thing but He looked at me and I could tell what His heart was saying, His eyes said, “You have my attention. ” It wasn’t in a, just because you’ve come for prayers you have my attention but I just have His attention.

I’m grateful that we have one who doesn’t condemn us โค So now when I write, I write from a place of wholeness. I have countless stories of my life with Jesus since I gave Him my life, maybe they’ll be stacked in a book (I don’t know why but I just wanted to use this) , maybe they’ll be reserved for my grandchildren around the fire who knows..

10 Songs and the Memories they Hold

  1. Christina Perri-A thousand years This reminds me of my first heartbreak ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  2. Ed Sheeran’s All of the stars from the movie “The Fault in our stars” -Fighting for a love lost ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  3. Ed Sheeran’s Thinking out Loud – Our song with Mr. Wrong (hated that song ,never pretending to like a song coz of a mguyz )
  4. Stronger by Mandisa – Hope in my heart break ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  5. Nicki Minaj – Bed of Lies ft. Skylar Grey -This one just fed me a lot of sadness ๐Ÿ˜‚ .It wasn’t helping me in my then toxic relationship.
  6. Where do broken hearts go by The late Whitney Houston โค -I was too broken to do anything while listening to it.. My bed was my home.

  7. Casting Crowns’ Already there – This one really jump-started my faith in God like nobare’s business .
  8. John Legend’s You and I- reminds me of my best friend โค
  9. Anything Hillsong – God drawing me and my yearning for a relationship with Him.
  10. Anything Taylor Swift – Ex’s and flings ๐Ÿ˜‚ ( Sorry not sorry Taylor)

23 and A Whole Lot of Crazy

For the 23 years I’ve been Graced to live on this earth, here is a list full of my crazy, saucy self…

  1. I am a sucker for kind people..I’d fall in love with you in a day
  2. I love my rice or mokimo and milk in one plate.
  3. I apparently snor when I sleep ๐Ÿ˜‚ (my roommate told me) among other things * wink wink *
  4. I don’t trust people who sleep looking this good..
  5. I fantasize a whole lot (if you ever find me smiling alone, just leave me to it )
  6. I can’t dance in front of people. I’m too embarrassed ( go figure )
  7. If you ever think of throwing a surprise birthday party for me please invite the few people in my inner circle.
  8. I hate cooking ๐Ÿ˜‚ (Hi future husband and in-laws.. Are you still there? )
  9. I fear almost every animal ๐Ÿ˜‚ except horses.
  10. I hate chicken and pizza. I don’t get why people love them so much.
  11. I watch Bollywood movies. I even pray for my favorite characters.๐Ÿ˜‚
  12. I hate small talk so much I’d rather use some kichochoro so I can avoid you ๐Ÿ˜‚
  13. I’d actually hit on a guy ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  14. My love language is definitely food..
  15. I’ve come to love silence a whole lot.. When I wake up especially..
  16. I do not have the Grace to be a housewife.. Neither will I ever pray for it. It’s not in me at all.
  17. I like Donald Trump ,I have a thing for clouds, guys with broad shoulders and some melanin.
  18. I rarely say things I don’t mean.
  19. I love love.
  20. I hate politics.
  21. I have Luhya legs.
  22. I started wearing bras after finishing my fourth form ๐Ÿ˜‚
  23. I love sending cash to people and taking them out whenever there is money ๐Ÿ˜‚

If You Could See My Soul..

I love food but I hate any form of physical exercise. I like this guy but I don’t know how this ends, maybe it’s for richer for poorer or only for a while. I am afraid I might soon find out he may not like me for me perse .Maybe I’m back to the cycle of liking guys who only want the goods. Maybe I’m also in for the goods but even I know I don’t roll like that anymore .
I fear public speaking because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m not smart enough. I’ve entertained what others think of me define me and I don’t know when I’ll ever let it stop affecting me. I know I’m smart but their words cut so deep that the truth seems farfetched.
I hide all my genius because they said I’m not. I don’t know when it’s going to stop. I just don’t know.
My big stomach makes me feel undesirable and heavy and I can’t take full pictures of me so I stick to selfies only lest they see the way I am ashamed that it’s all out there for them to see.

I am jovial 80% of the time but I’m not a nice person. I like my space too much and anyone that tries to invade that knowingly or unknowingly meets my ugliness, a bitter me, moody me, a malicious me.

I hate odours more than most people I think. If your feet smell or your mouth stinks I judge you and you are immediately blotted out from being in my list of people I like. I am attracted to a guy with good English and the opposite is true.

I consider being single for the rest of my life because of my shifting mood swings because I am not steady. I don’t See me as a safe refuge and I don’t expect anyone to put up with that. So I stay alone with all the self-loathing and self-esteem issues because of me, because of the words I’ve let in to my core. Words I’ve said to myself.. Words they’ve said to me. I don’t know what will break these walls. All I know is I’m messed up and I need a Savior. I’ve tried self-help it hasn’t worked so why not try the one greater than me? All I know is I’m toast alone and I’ve come to the end of me. I can’t deal with myself alone anymore I need someone else.

I shared all these and much more with a friend of mine. The healing it brought.. I have no words.. Thank you dear friend..

EMBRACE YOUR SCARS THEY MADE YOU

Every heart break we go through matters to God and it breaks His heart.You are never alone.Cry it out if you feel like it.Pour your heart to Jesus and let Him heal you.

Eugene Milimoh

PROF PIC11

Every single human being has some hypocritical tendencies. You see the term hypocrite routes from the Greek word, โ€˜hypokritesโ€™ it was a technical name for a stage actor, someone who puts on a costume to play a character on stage, in front of an audience. But when the lights go out and the audience has left, the costume comes down, the mask is lifted and the actor retreats to his real self. Almost every human being likes displaying the best parts of themselves to the world and hiding every flaw or struggles to avoid being judged or appear vulnerable, this is especially true of believers. That is some type of hypocrisy.

I recently read one challenging poem titledย โ€˜little boys & girlsโ€™ย and it encouraged me to actually try and avoid this type of hypocrisy, not completely, but we must begin somewhere. I figured I should share a littleโ€ฆ

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